Sladey’s blog

A quick posting for now - just to break the silence...

It's been a couple of weeks since I lasted posted on here, when I went on a bit of a splurge about depression and how it has affected me - to be honest, I wasn't expecting any replies (I certainly didn't mean to canvass for them), but I have had a number of replies from fellow bloggers telling me how they feel and offering advice and empathy regarding my story.  To those of you who replied, I'd just like to say a big thank you for taking the time to read and especially to reply to my post - I read everything that I was sent, and all of your thoughts were very much appreciated.  I guess the one thing that it shows is the power of the blog, and the community that is forged as the result of it.  I've been feeling pretty out of sorts for the past two weeks, but the support I've had from bloggers on here in addition to that offered by my family and friends means an awful lot - it has helped me to come out of my shell that I've encased myself in over the past two weeks, and I guess it's enhanced my faith in human nature - and it has to be something special to do that.

So those of you who replied - you know who you are - a million thanks.

I'm now off to play in the snow which has fallen during the night - it hardly ever snows in Liverpool, so I'm off out to enjoy it!!

More later,

Mark.

It's time for a confession - if confession is the right word.  I guess it's some sort of therapy getting it down in some sort of form, as I've never really tried to put into written words how I feel.  But my mood at this moment in time has compelled me to pen the following.

You see, I suffer from depression - and have done for a number of years, but it has escalated to depths before unseen in the past two years, since my dad died back in June 2004.  I'll try and explain how this ties in with how I feel now. 

June 10th 2004, it was - a Thursday morning - when he passed away.  My dad, you see, had a drink problem - brought on I maintain by his not being able to cope by being disowned by his family back in 1993, over something which (a) he had done as a favour (my dad was a carpenter, and the job involved hanging a couple of doors amongst other things - it was a pretty substantial job in all) only for his brother to try and con him out of paying him for the work, and (b) because the rest of his family chose to believe his brother instead of even giving my dad a chance to respond.  My dad liked a drink - let's be honest, we all do (excluding those who are tee-total, of course - I'm just speaking figuratively).  But after his family sent him down the Swanee River without a paddle, he became depressed, and he started to drink a little more than he used to.  The years went by, his attempts to speak to his family were rebuffed, so he drank more.  It started to become a strain and a stress on our family as well - I was still living at home at the time, and at times it was unpleasant; it was all due to his drinking and becoming down and argumentative.  To all intent and purpose, he had become an alcoholic - he was never a violent man, and he never threatened anyone in the house or became aggressively angry, but he had reached the stage that he needed drink to function.  Back in 1998, I recall having a major argument and falling out with him, and lost my temper in a way that I don't think I've ever done before or since.  It seemed to hit a sobering note with him, and we made up almost immediately, though I found it sort of hard to do - guilt, I guess, at shouting at him in the first place, along with a fear of his regressing again.  Two days later, he had a seizure - it was due to the shock of his body being without alcohol for 2 days.  I wasn't there when it happened, but got a call from work.  He thankfully got over it, and was kept in hospital for a few days.

He came out from hospital, and kept his drinking to moderation, drinking less, as well as drinking milder drinks.  However, a few months later, another family phone call set him back on the previously trodden path.  3 years ago, he had another seizure, but this one hit him harder - he became incoherent due to his body being deprived of alcohol and his detoxing.  It was around this time that his family came to visit him at the same time as me and my mum were there.  They couldn't resist the sly quips and digs at him and us.  Seems they didn't want to see him when he was healthy but couldn't wait to kick him when he was down.  The bastards.  I fucking hate them.  I hate them so much I can't begin to quantify how much I do so.  My dad eventually discharged himself from hospital - he hated hospitals (that said, who on earth likes them anyway?) and had to get himself out.  Thing is though, when he got back home, he was more lucid - drinking as much as he ever did, but he was mellower, and I somehow grew to accept his state.  I couldn't stop him from drinking - no-one could.  If anyone tried, it could kill him.

On the morning of Thursday June 10th 2004, I was getting ready to go to work - I was living with my girlfriend by this time - when the phone rang at 6:30am.  It was my mum, asking if I could get the morning off work, as my dad had had another seizure - my mum described it as being like a fit.  I got to my folks house at 8:30am, where my dad was still in bed.  His state of mind was lost, confused, and he was in a state/condition exactly the same as that he was in when he was last in hospital as I described earlier.  He couldn't stand up, he pissed the bed because he couldn't hold his water...he was in a terrible state.  I was numb - there was nothing that I could do.  At 9:30am, he said to my mum that he wasn't feeling well, so my mum lay him back on his pillow...and he stopped breathing.  I tried to resucitate him, my mum tried...we couldn't revive him.  We called the paramedics...they did everything they could in their power...but he was taken to hospital and died at 10:30am that morning.  He was 53 years of age.

I spent the next 8 days "being the man of the house"; making funeral arrangements, sorting out any housekeeping which needed to be done, helping my mum and sister to grieve...whilst not really grieving myself.  How could I?  When the hell was I supposed to find the time to grieve?  The requiem and funeral took place on Friday 18th, and I returned to work the following Monday.  His family of course wanted to interfere with things - they probably claim it's their right as his relatives and his family to be able to interfere.  To my mind, they lost that right back in 1993.  I just wanted them to fuck off and die.  To this very day, I feel absolutely nothing but pure anger and vitriol towards them - I'm not proud of that at all, but it's an overwhelming feeling that I just can't shake.  It forms a big part of my depression, I guess, as it's an emotion that I can't convey or express to anyone.  Since then, I guess I've never really been the same.  I still go out and have fun with my friends, and still live my life...but I continually feel that a big part of my life has gone, and that it will never be filled, or can't be filled, no matter what I do to try and fill it.  And I hurt so much when that feeling rears its head.  I had a good relationship with my dad - sure, he could be a pain in the arse at times, but all dads are like that I'm sure.  We had our disagreements, but at the end of the day, and when I look deep down into my soul, I loved him so much.  I still do - and I miss him as much now as I did back on that day when the realisation hit me that he wasn't coming back.

For the past few weeks, I have been going to a depression support group - which has helped to a degree, but there's one thing about it which I have trouble with.  The other members of the group obviously feel the same emotions as I do, but with the root causes being different for the main part.  And the tales I've heard - child abuse, domestic abuse, traumatic deaths - make my problems appear in my mind so damn inconsequential.  My fellow group members tell me I shouldn't feel like that, as it is all personal...but when you hear tales of abuse from those upon whom it was inflicted, and you see how they feel as a result, it really knocks you backwards.

Having just read back through what I have typed, it probably looks like a bit of a rant, or the incoherent babblings of someone who had something to say but can't properly convey what it is they 'd like to say.  Both of these are probably true.  That said, there is a part of me that feels...well, I guess "better" isn't the right word, but there is a sense of relief in my finally getting this down.  If only for the fact that I have tried to explain to myself how and why I feel like I do, and that it may help me resolve possibly other latent issues that I have.  I guess we'll see.

Finally if you choose to read this, and manage to read through it all, then thank you for doing so.  This isn't a cry for sympathy or help - but if anyone has ever experienced similar feelings and wants to talk about it, then feel free to get in touch with me privately - or just reply to the post as it stands. 

Mark.

Hello folks.

I'll eventually get around to adding tags to my profile, but as I type this, I'm sitting here listening to Morbid Angel (http://www.morbidangel.com/) - one of, if not THE finest, extreme metal bands around; they certainly have a drumming legend in Pete Sandoval, they're musically tight as fuck, fast as hell, technically brilliant...I find it hard to  fault them in any, way, shape or form.  I first came across them in 1988 when "Altars of Madness" was released - an album I still listen to on a regular basis near on 19 years after it was released.  As much as I am a fan of Slayer (and I should say, Christ Illusion is a great album), and as much as I think "Reign In Blood" is a great album, it doesn't come close to "Altars" in my opinion.

In terms of the heavier music I listen to, a part of me is still somewhat stuck in the past - I went to senior school from age 11 in the early 80's in the days when the likes of Metallica, Anthrax, Slayer, Megadeth, and the thrash scene in general were all in their formative years, when such speed and technical proficiency at speed had not been heard previously.  Exodus were around at the time as well, but they never really floated my boat.  Good at what they did, for sure, but not my bag.  I guess my ears really pricked up when Metallica released "Ride The Lightning" back in 1984 - still their best album by a mile in my opinion.  Then Slayer went and released "Reign In Blood", and everyone basically shot their load at the sheer aggression of it all.  Then I came across Dark Angel and "Darkness Descends" and thought, "Fuck me, that IS heavy".  The sheer speed and anger of the music - and in particular the drumming - really appealed to me.  Then Morbid Angel came along and I fell in love with death metal and the more extreme forms of metal in general.

At late nights, I'll find myself flicking through the music channels on satellite TV, and there are two metal channels of note to choose from.  MTV2 still have the "Headbanger's Ball" but it is in a much different format than the days when I used to watch it when it was a near 3 hour programme with music AND news and interviews.  But of the metal channels that now exist, I find so much of the metal played on there so damn...bland.  It's all been done.  And as someone who is also a fan of the likes of Dream Theater, Rush, Primus, Death...basically, bands who don't get an awful lot of TV airplay, it does my head in.  I've had to learn to adapt my music tastes as I've got older - I think, to be honest, we all do; I've always liked other forms of music to an extent, and I'm sure everyone is the same in that respect, even though we probably prefer maybe one particular genre to others.  But as time goes on, there are so few metal bands around nowadays that are comparatively new that I particularly enjoy - Dragonforce spring to mind; a power metal British band who can play for sure, and I enjoy their music, but it was done to an identical degree by Helloween back in the 80's.  The likes of My Chemical Romance, Slipknot and that sort of stuff you can keep - it is like watching paint dry in my eyes.

Probably though, on reflection, I think the basic problem is that...I'm just getting old.  Familiarity breeds contempt, they say, and maybe this is where my dislike of a lot of modern metal comes from.  That said, I should give Trivium a mention as well, as they're a quality band - I should mention Strapping Young Lad (Gene Hoglan - what a hero) and  System Of A Down as well, though they've been around for a few years now.  Serj Tankian is fucking great though - how angry and demented can one man sound at times?!

If anyone reads this, and can recommend any extreme metal to me - or complex arrangements, like those the likes of Atheist, Cynic, Death et al used to specialise in, then please feel free to get in touch with me - I'd like to hear from like minded fans of harder edged metal, and am always open to suggestions as to what I should listen to in order to improve my musical horizons, metal based or not!!

Speak soon.

Mark.

Hello folks.

The time is 10:30pm GMT on January 18th 2007, and after probably lots of well-intentioned thoughts over the past year or two when I've decided to join the ranks of the blog ranks - only to find myself in a total state of apathy when I should really make an effort to actually join - it's taken another VOX member who sent me a mail at work today to inspire me to eventually get around to starting one.  The reason for sending me the mail was to show a picture he had posted on his blog detailing the horrrendous weather conditions we've experienced in the UK today - 70-80mph winds, pissing down torrential rain, deaths caused, roofs collapsing, public transport grinding to a halt...you get the picture.

Still, it served me a purpose at least.  In that I've finally got around to doing my own blog.

So...welcome to all of you, one and all, wherever you may be, who make the effort to read it.  Not being totally accustomed to blogs, I'm not sure how interesting they actually are on the whole, or how interesting they're meant to be - whether they're an electronic equivalent of a soapbox or speaker's corner - given that I've not really read that many of them.  But hey - I'll give it a go.

As you will read from my profile, I'm from Liverpool in England - synonymous with the Beatles if nothing else (and yes, I DO like the Beatles very much) and also Liverpool football club, though we are also the European City of Culture in 2008 - and I have one or two interests which I have listed in my profile, but have deliberately left it a bit sparse so people can ask me anything else should they choose to.  So please feel free to do so!!

So what will my blog consist of?  Well, I'm going to treat it like a speaker's corner/soapbox, and use to air some views, vent my spleen every now and then, and just have a rant and rave on occasions - be it of a serious or trivial nature.  What I will say for the record, is that I'll never intentionally set out to offend anyone of any sex, race or religion, so please don't take offence at anything you make take umbrage at - I won't mean it, honestly!!  I want to air my views, but don't want to start an internet war!! :-)

I hope you'll enjoy my ramblings when I post them, and - like I said - please feel free to get in touch with me; the more friends the better!!!

Mark.